Poop Marcus Tucker

Poop Marcus Tucker (1824-1882) was the third member of the Tucker Sultanate and the third Poop Dean of Poop School, serving from 1854 until his abdication in 1881 due to health concerns. He is noted for guiding the school through the Southern War of Independence with mixed results.

Early Life and Marriage
Born in the ancestral homeland of the Tucker Sultanate in 1824, Poop Marcus Tucker was the eldest son of Poop Jack Tucker and his wife, Close Ladyfriend. Groomed from an early age to someday take over for his father as the Poop Dean of Poop School, Poop Marcus initially rebelled against the notion and, in 1835, ran away to the end of the street. It was there that he spent several hours sulking and betting, just betting that no one even noticed that he was gone. Eventually he returned home where he was welcomed back with open arms before being mercilessly beaten into respecting his father's wishes.

In early February of 1845, Marcus met and became engaged to Girl-Brett Butler, the daughter of shipping magnate and noted queer Saturday Butler. They were wed later that month.

Early Years and the Underground Railroad
When his father, Poop Dean Jack Tucker, died suddenly but predictably in 1854, Poop Marcus assumed the Poop Deanship. On the night of his coronation, he was visited by John Ghost, who had just returned from the future. John Ghost advised Poop Marcus to open up Poop School as a safe haven for escaped slaves travelling the Underground Railroad because it would be a boon for the school's future tourism industry. Reluctantly, Poop Marcus agreed and the school became a minor stop for fugitive slaves heading north. Although, because the school was located on an island that was astonishingly difficult to get to and hardly worth it once the escaped slaves got there, it was largely bypassed altogether. This perceived lack of acknowledgement left Poop Marcus feeling as though he needed to act out to get attention. In one such instance, Poop Marcus broke his femur while attempting to do a backflip off a wall at a family kegger.

The Southern War of Independence
When the tensions between North and South errupted into an outright war in 1861, Poop Marcus feared for the future of Poop School. He described his fears in a letter to his wife:


 * Dearest Girl-Brett,


 * As our nation plunges into this great and terrible civil war, I fear the continued prosperity of our dear Poop School shall become untenable. You see, I fear reprisal from both sides in this bloody conflict. Since we are historically a negroid college, a crime punishable by death in this day and age, we have had to raise Southern flags, whistle Dixie, and even make disparaging remarks to our dear students so as not to arouse the suspicions of the Confederates. But alas! I fear we do this too well! So well that if we were discovered by the Northern Troops, they would surely mistake us for actual Confederates and burn our institution to ashes. I must not let this happen, yet I do not see a way forward. I must meditate further on this matter.


 * Forever Yours,


 * Poop Marcus


 * P.S. Tell your father that I am not interested and neither are my brothers. See you at dinner.

One night, while trying to formulate a plan for the defense of Poop School, Poop Marcus was visited for a second time by John Ghost, who again had just come back from the future. John Ghost told Poop Marcus to move the school away from the conflict to the distant Washington Territory. He mentioned that since the Territory was largely unsettled, Poop Marcus would have to first found the great city of Seattle, where influential guitarist Jimi Hendrix would someday be born. John Ghost then said that he would return to the future to do more reconnaissance.

The next night, John Ghost again appeared to Poop Marcus, this time having just witnessed the terrible rise of Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and the grunge movement. He desperately pleaded with Poop Marcus to not found Seattle after all, but by that point, Poop Marcus had come to love the idea and refused. So, for the second time in his life, Poop Marcus was mercilessly beaten into respecting an older relative's wishes.

Post War Years
Much to the chagrin of John Ghost, Seattle was coincidentally founded anyway in 1869. Despite the fact that Poop Marcus had nothing to do with the founding of the city, John Ghost vowed to return to Poop Marcus' bedside every night to mercilessly beat him some more.

Abdication and Death
Tired of the savage beatings he had been receiving every night for 12 years, Poop Marcus abdicated the Poop Deanship in 1881 and his eldest son, Poop Garfield Tucker, ascended the throne. Although Poop Marcus abdicated in the hope that it would bring an end to his nightly beatings, John Ghost did not relent and, in fact, the beatings intensified. With little recourse, Poop Marcus took his own life on April 10th, 1882.

Friendship with Sir Dumpus Truck
His relationship with his wife and nightly "visits" from John Ghost notwithstanding, Poop Marcus lived a mostly solitary existence with the notable exception of a gentleman by the name of Sir Dumpus Truck, with whom Poop Marcus enjoyed what many would call a "best friendship." Not much is known of Truck, only that he was a "semi-transparent lad with a mischievous smile and angled eyebrows. He spoke with a peculiar accent and wore a comically large mustache that appeared to be stuck on with some kind of rudimentary adhesive." It is this description that has led many of Poop School's finest scholars to conclude that Sir Dumpus Truck is actually one of John Ghost's 26 alter egos.